belated first thoughts

well, september 20th was my 2 year anniversary of living here in são paulo. 2 years, and not one word posted about it. until now, that is.

i can't claim i've had "writer's block." my mind is always teeming with things to put down in writing, things to say. i think, truthfully, i've been a little lost. i am being reborn here, and i suppose that only now, after two years, have i become a toddler of my new self, who is just learning how to speak.

it's been a fierce and swift two years. in short: i arrived, i confirmed my love and desire for fernando, i got a job, we began to make a life together, "i" became "we"--officially, we've tried to explore as much as possible within our driving radius, we've visited "home" (my home, the big apple, that is) just a few times, many of my dearest friends and none of my family have visited us, we got a dog--a tirelessly spirited honey-colored furry fellow whom we call eros, i struggle to relate to fernando's two teenage daughters, we cook and eat and drink and just generally soak up every ounce of felicity available to us as we try to envisage where we are headed in this one shot at existence that we each get. ya know, basically just like everyone else.

it's hard, though. são paulo is hard. the joke is, paulistanos work as hard as americans. haha. (only those of you who live or have lived here and there will get that.) i left the rat race... yep, for another, less state-of-the-art rat race. for now, anyway. são paulo is a city of the first degree. it is colossal. it is bustling. it bears the weight of the country's economy on its shoulders. it is dirty, and congested, and full of all the various feathers of humanity. within it too, are a myriad of restaurants, bars, museums, galleries, and theatres to fill your heart to its cultural content. without it, an hour and half (yes, it takes that long to escape sampa's folds) in any direction from the center: green. green of all shades. green that ascends then cascades, that stretches out flat, and rolls, and, ultimately, fades into blue.

all this to say...it's been as prodigious as it has been jarring. living here has made me more sure of my choices and less sure of myself than any other experience of my life. i'll have to explain that better later, for now i just wanted to reintroduce myself. brazil is stunning--in all the positive and negative senses of the word. it takes my breath away at least once daily. now that i've broken my silence, i will let you in on that awakening, little piece by little piece.

so, to myself, happy two years! and to all ye fellow wanderers, rolling stones, and nomads, cheers to the perpetual rebirth of all those who find themselves over and over again in new surroundings. 

back with more soon...

-lauren indiana

me, at the edge of my world. {ubatuba, brazil}